Culture: Still a Deciding Factor for Dating?

By Rukshana Jalil for AIA | July 17, 2008

With interracial relationships on the rise in the United States, the subject of interracial dating within the Asian or South Asian community is not as taboo as it might have been 10 or 15 years ago.

Here's something outrageous: A Chinese woman dating an Indian man. Or how about a Turkish man dating a Chinese woman? Scandalous, isn't it? If you're not shocked, then you're one of many Americans who are not. New York City, the multicultural capital of the United States is home to such couples. Stroll down any city street and you'll see people from all walks of life paired off. Twenty years ago, a mixed race couple walking hand in hand, would have been met with hostile stares, but by now it has become so common that it is no longer outrageous. More people today want to close the gap between cultures in the United States.

According to Population Reference Bureau (PRB), the percentage of interracial married couples has increased from 2.9 percent in 1990 to 5.4 percent in 2000. In addition, Americans' attitudes towards interracial marriages are slowly improving: The percentage of adults that said they approved of interracial marriages increased from 70 to 83 percent from 1986 to 2003.

Ten years ago, when it came to interracial dating, Asian and South Asian American communities hesitated in allowing marriage outside of their respective cultures. Many such families in the United States were determined to keep tradition or keep the bloodline within their ethnic group. Yes, more parents and families today have become more open minded about accepting interracial marriages. Less Asian people in the United States dating outside of their ethnic groups are submitting to pressures from their parents to date or marry within their culture. But some couples still find it difficult to even break the news to their parents.

Kara Jiang, a first generation Chinese American and her boyfriend Arjan Kohli, a first generation Punjabi Indian American, have been dating for almost a year. But both have yet to break the news to their parents. Jiang believes it will be too much of a disappointment to her parents if they knew she was dating someone non-Chinese.

"It's more so like cultural issues, like how Chinese traditional weddings go, compared to an Indian wedding. I think it's a cultural barrier, because my parents barely speak English and they would want to be able to speak to their son-in-law," Jiang said.

Jiang's parents are not unlike many Asian and South Asian immigrant parents in the United States. While they do wish for their children to have opportunities that would have been unthinkable back in their countries, they also want to keep their cultures alive. Films such as Bride and Prejudice (2004) and Bend It Like Beckham (2002) portray Indian parents happily accepting their daughter's relationship or marriage to a Caucasion. But let's be real. Not many first generation Indian parents will accept the relationship without a struggle. Few Indian mothers wish to see their daughters trading a vibrant red sari for a white gown on their wedding days. Few Chinese and Indian grandparents, who may speak little English, want a grand son-in-law who cannot communicate with them or understand important rituals. For immigrant grandparents and parents, the American dream may be to keep their cultures alive while having better education and jobs for their children.

But it seems like the American dream almost always turn out to be just a dream. Like many American born children to Asian immigrant parents, Jiang has had trouble keeping to her parent's expectations and culture. For her, focusing entirely on education and dating only Chinese Americans seemed nearly impossible in a city where crossing paths with all kinds of people was inevitable. Growing up in the Bronx and later in Yonkers, she went to an elementary school where the student population was majority Black. She was one of few Asian students in her school. As a result, Jiang learned and experienced cultural diversity at a young age, which is why she was later open to dating people of different races and cultures. But even though she was open to dating outside her race, Jiang has never dated a Chinese person. "I don't know, I just never had an attraction to Asians," she admitted.

Her boyfriend, Kohli admitted that his parents do not know about his relationship with Jiang. His parents are like many first generation Asian Americans, who want to preserve their culture's traditions. "I think it would be hard for parents because they only get to see their child get married once. They want to bring back memories of when they were married and they want to have all the traditions of their own culture. It is something that our older generation was brought up with and holds very sacred to them," Kohli said.

Sacred is just one of many words to describe traditions older Asian and South Asian Americans keep close. Safety is another reason first generation Asian Americans want to hold on to their culture. When you look at the dating and marriage aspect from the older generation side, it seems scary to risk losing long time tradition and customs. For them, observing their children marrying or dating outside of their race is like watching their culture slowly seep away to nothing. "It's facing the unknown," says Ling Xiao, a Chinese American who married her Indian boyfriend, "There are the different cultures and the cultural barriers. Different values set apart the families and traditions."

But, today is the 21st century and fortunately, not all older people are shying away from the mixing of cultures. Megan Law* and Riza Susel*, Chinese American and Turkish American, are one couple, whose parents are happy with their relationship. Cultural barriers and set traditions do not seem to exist for Law and Susel. Law's mother who came to the United States when she was eight years old, had a restrictive childhood. She wanted her daughter to have the freedom that she never did. Susel's parents had basically lived on their own from the time both turned eighteen, to have freedom from their parents.

"Their parents were extremely strict," Susel said referring to his parents, "but both of them had their own lives when they were 18 or 19 years old. So basically, they felt they were free from their parents and later just wanted us to be happy. I guess they didn't want to restrict me or my sister." Law, who like Jiang, has never dated an Asian person, agrees that her parents are also very accepting of whoever she wants to date as long as she is happy. Cultural or racial tension has never existed since her relationship with Susel.

Although, not many happily-ever-after interracial couples within Asian or South Asian familes exist, like in the movies, Law and Susel come close. Steadily, more parents want to give their children another opportunity they never had: a chance to intertwine cultures. With a country like the United States, who needs racial/cultural divisions? After all, cultural diversity is supposed to be America's best friend.

* Names have been changed to protect the privacy of interviewees.

Source used:
http://www.prb.org/Articles/2005/USAttitudesTowardInterracialDatingAreLiberalizing.aspx

Comments

[smile]

I think now everything is change, people can accepted another more than befor then it's not stang if black women will date with white guy or black guys will dating with asian girls.
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http://www.thainigirls.com/dating.php

[Mary]

Wow! I'm Chinese American and have been dating a South Indian man and since we started, I've been googling and searching everywhere for similar parings and have found maybe one site that with some mention of this intermingling relationship. But I'm glad that here, at last, is an article that seem to focus on the Chinese-Indian relationship paring. Both our parents know about us; his parents shared concerns but is generally welcoming, but my parents are still much more biased, and my dad's first comment upon seeing his picture was "wah, he's so black!" So we're still working this out with my family as we move towards marriage. Are there by chance, any other resources or websites or forums that discusses this Chinese Indian paring? Thanks again for writing!

[Chris Sullivan]

The post, "Culture: Still a Deciding Factor for Dating?" is pretty nice. Thank you for the information.